Living Together Silliness
Being human, we’re all peculiar. Let’s face it, we all have idiosyncrasies. They’re not usually central to our character, our moral core, but they do make us into characters. These odd sorts of preferences and behaviors, which of course never seem odd to us, can be a source of amusement or irritation to others, especially others who spend a lot of time with us. Being married for 53 years meets the definition of “a lot of time.”
Many of these “ticks” in our makeup matter not a bit, like whether I put the forks and spoons in the dishwasher with the handles up or whether she puts them in with the handles down. I defer on that one in regard for culinary harmony. Or whether the windows should be open during a thunderstorm to enjoy the sounds and breeze or closed so the floor doesn’t get soaked. She concedes on that one, probably just to keep me from running all over the house with a towel. Some of these oddities can be negotiated, like whether the fan in our bedroom at night is on low speed (me) or high speed (her). It’s on medium.
Differences can be a bit more substantial, of course. Should the thermostat be set at 65 in the winter (to save energy and avoid colds – which I’ll admit is sensible) or 75 (to avoid the need for me to wear four layers of clothes – which I confess is not that big a deal, even if it did take me years to admit this)? Should we hold onto the railing going upstairs as well as down, now that we’re older, involves a disagreement about whether you can really hurt yourself falling "upstairs.”
Some of our peculiarities can be downright inscrutable. She will never understand why I refuse to put pants or shirts in the wash until dirt on them is visible (I don't do this with underwear, just so you know). I will never understand why she takes baths instead of showers. After all, what’s so great about sitting in bathwater, which has to be dirty once you’ve washed, doesn’t it?
Then there are the behaviors that seem strange to everyone else but not to us, because we’ve coalesced on them over the years and can’t fathom why anyone would find them odd. Of course you pull the cord of the toaster before you leave the house so that it could not start a fire (but not of the stove or microwave? Hmmm). Why would people NOT lock the door every time they come in from outside? (A murderer may, after all, be canvassing the neighborhood.)
The years of living together seem to pile up these defining behaviors just as the sand in our three sand timers (you need sand timers, she insists, because they’re much cuter than watching a digital clock). Yes, some of these unimportant preferences take on way too much importance, depending on our moods and whether our argumentative muscles need a workout. But here’s the thing. Neither of us would really change any of them. These crazy, only semi-sensible likes and dislikes are among the fun stuff of relationships. They are what we’ll always remember about each other, joke about with friends, and encase in stories that with any luck will survive into the next generation.
Despite the promises of online dating services that believe a good match is based on similarities, we are attracted to people who are different. It’s difference that makes life exciting and fresh - that opens us to see the world anew and through other eyes. I know, we often then spend a lot of time (five decades by our count) trying to get each other to be like us. But, in the end, it’s the stuff we’ll never change, truly understand, agree with, or even like that is the garnish on our relationship meal. This doesn't mean there are not important differences and disagreements in close relationships, but it does mean that the humor and acceptance that comes from negotiating through the minor, often silly, ones help build a foundation and the cement that gets us through rougher times.
Photo Credit: Rosmarie Voegtli
